Thursday

Teachers are coming into the staffroom now because fifth period finished. The noise doesn't make me less sleepy.

Filling up my water bottle with radioactive water and drinking it woke me a little but it won't last. Some kid wrote "I'm a peace a pacifist." How do you correct that? Bell just rang for sixth period. I think any chair can be a comfy chair if you feel sleepy enough. I don't know what time is. 

Why are all the windows closed? They aren't closed. Oh god it's hot. I'm half way through the pile of work that I'm marking. Get up to drink something. Maybe take my pants off in the toilet to get some air... Success. 

When I'm marking work I always flash back to that time in religious education when we watched a video about something and we had to write a report about it. I forgot the main character's name so I just wrote "She..." for the entire thing. My teacher wrote "Who is she?" at the bottom of my work and underneath that I wrote "I don't know." I still to this day think that's the funniest thing I ever did in school. I smile just thinking about it. It was also the most rebellious thing I ever did. 

My fourth toe on my right foot is itching and it's probably athletes foot. This chair is too low and I don't know how to adjust it. I still can't write lower case F properly. After 25 years. 

 A horrible noise just stopped. How long has that noise been going on? All day ? Have I tuned into it? I didn't realise it was there. I could have been annoyed at it. Missed opportunity. 

Some teachers know that I can be really good and some teachers haven't really seen me at my best. That's my own fault. I can't wait around for my moment. When you are alphabetising the four Internet bookmarks on your phone, it's time to go home.

Staffroom

Silence and a breeze and I'm sweating after a pretty decent class about numbers. I am 18 years old.

Only three teachers here and none of them can see me through the piles of books and files and lies. Slouch and read Conversations with God which is what I was doing on March 11th. Don't do something in order to make yourself happy. Become happy within then all your actions will be happy. Walk to the toilet and the girl with special educational needs hugs me and tells me she loves me. Splash face with cold water and look in mirror and I look older.

Enter the correct genre for every album in iTunes and too much is 'Folk Rock.' I label both The Verve and Mew 'Indie Rock' which doesn't seem right. And still a breeze and mist on faded mountains and anxiety descending.

Mistakes

We did a word test in which students write the English translation for Japanese words. Ryo was repeating 'Park' over and over again. "Park park park park."

The test began and Ryo wrote nothing for 'Park' and his answer for 'Big' was "Pog" which made the female JTE* break down laughing uncontrollably. Saying nothing, she wrote "Pog" on a piece of paper in front of me and I laughed hysterically too. This was during the silence of a test.

After the test the girl marking Ryo's paper laughed and said "Pig?" and I corrected her, "No, Pog!" This made the girl laugh even more and she showed Ryo's paper to her friends and they all laughed as well and I thought about stopping her but I didn't because it was too funny.

The JTE explained the Pog situation to everyone - Ryo had specifically practiced 'Park' over and over again only to fail to write it and then write "Pog" for 'Big'. Then all 24 students had a good laugh at Ryo and he tried to explain but no one cared.

"Don't be afraid to answer wrongly. It's okay to make mistakes."

*JTE = Japanese Teacher of English

Hay Fever

One of the women came to my desk and showed me my choice of pictures for the yearbook. Option 1 was me sitting slightly at an angle with a goofy smile and slouching and eyeballs bright red from hay fever. Option 2 was me sitting straight on with a goofy smile and not slouching and eyeballs bright red from hay fever. I said both of them and the woman said I looked cool in both. Anxiety descended and I wondered how many others had lied when they called me cool. I chose the picture in which I wasn't slouching because that was the only positive. 

At a flower shop with Chie I was filled with a nameless dread and felt certain that my hay fever would reach fatal levels so I put on my sunglasses hoping they would offer some kind of protection. I brushed an insect off my arm and later a bite mark formed and I wished I'd killed the insect. The roof of my mouth was itchy and I scratched it and surprisingly that helped but sticking my hand in my mouth didn't look good so I didn't do it again. I massaged the roof of my mouth with my tongue instead but this maybe made things worse and 'Flower Shop' was added to my list of places to which I will never go again.

Nostalgia Biased

When I first arrived in Japan I remember there were boys in third grade that looked pretty cool and there were some badass judo guys that looked tough and scared me. And there were girls that looked mature and ready to go on to senior high school and be members of AKB48. Nowadays the third grade boys are as hopeless as they were in first grade and the girls wouldn't even make it into SKE48. It could be that a group of fifteen year olds look younger to me because I am three years older. Do the math. Although I wonder if the way I see my current students compared to the old ones is just nostalgia.

My original third graders from almost three years ago where my first students and they set the standard for what classes should be and they just happened to be really cool. That first summer everything in Japan was totally awesome to me, from Shinto shrines to automatic taxi doors. This extended to the feelings I had for my first students, who saw me at my most amateur and vulnerable and who I saw as the fulfilment of the dream of being in Japan. I felt the same way about the second and first graders at that time because I was riding a wave of culture shock enthusiasm.

Then next spring the third graders graduated to high school and got older and maybe I got older with them. My rose tinted glasses started to slip and maybe since then things have never been quite the same, because of a nostalgia I felt for those early days. I loved the second graders just as much but because of schedule changes I barely taught their classes when they moved up to third grade. I spent more time with the new first graders who were fresh out of primary school and they didn't feel like my own students.

Shouldn't I feel the opposite way? I should have a better connection with students that have known me since their first day, but they aren't wrapped in the warmth of nostalgia. Memories of my original students are coloured by the fresh faced perspective I had at the time but now I see most children as the next products of the Japanese education system that we JETs often like to criticise.

Bullying

Last year I bullied a second grade girl at Izumi called Emika into auditioning for the English Speech Contest. The contest is held once a year with city, prefectural and national finals. My job is to help the participants at my schools practice. Emika had no special interest in English and the other English teachers were bemused by my audition pick. 

Of the six that auditioned Emika was easily the best and she was chosen along with another girl to represent Izumi. I got all the credit for finding her, the teachers said I'd "found a new star."

Emika was a member of the choir so it was easy for her to delivery a speech in a strong voice and she seemed smart enough to develop her English skill over the coming months. But I spend just a few weeks at Izumi every term and I couldn't practice with Emika during summer. I only saw her a few times before the actual contest, despite the fact that I bullied her into auditioning and promised to support her. 

At the speech contest Emika did better than she thought she could possibly do when I first asked her to audition - having one of the strongest voices and not making any mistakes. Unfortunately she didn't place but she felt proud of herself and I did too. A modest second grader who stepped up to the challenge and did a damn good job. Emika told me that she might try again next year and that made me happier than anything. 

I gave her a giant novelty pencil as a prize and months passed and there was a massive earthquake on March 11th. 

For the first time since the earthquake I'm back at Izumi and the speech contest auditions are tomorrow. Emika won't be there. Her family evacuated to the south after the nuclear plant explosion and I probably can't bully them into coming back. 

After Earthquake and Return to England

There was thick black mud where the tsunami had been. Destroyed cars were thrown all over the place. I found a bible lying open on the promenade. 

About 200 people queued for water at the town hall and there were other similar queues around town. The supermarket was well stocked and full of people. The Japanese snacks were untouched, proving once again that no one likes them. I bought lots of frozen food and some sugary drinks. 

I defecated into a black bin-bag because there was no water to flush the toilet. It was pretty heavy. Chie and I went to her family's house because they had running water. We took all our frozen food and our bags of turd. Good family atmosphere. 

Then the nuclear power plant started exploding. Chie and I went back to Onahama to get some stuff and I gave bottles of water to Liam for him to give to the other Onahama JETs who were holed up watching Naruto or something. 

Everyone at the Chie's family's house ate the food I brought. I woke up and I didn't want to get up but I did and went out with the family to find fuel. People were queuing at petrol stations that were empty and had closed for the day. The nuclear plant exploded a few more times and I decided to flee to England with Chie. We already had plans to leave on March 23rd but bought tickets for March 17th. British Airways, naturally. 

Big aftershock as I bought the tickets online. It sounded like other JETs were having a nightmare getting buses to different places. Somehow 14 people ended up at one person's apartment for an orgy. Eventually the majority of Iwaki JETs left Iwaki. 

I quickly packed a rucksack of essentials and warm clothes, in case things went to hell and we ended up stuck in a cold evacuation centre. Chie took half an hour packing everything she owned for our England holiday. My good friend Liam had a flight to Australia the next day. Chie and I brought him to the family house before he ended up stuck at the orgy. 

Chie's parents took the three of us to Mito and we got a taxi to the airport. Liam left the next day while Chie and I stayed in the hotel for three calm and somewhat guilty nights - with hot showers and a breakfast buffet. We ended up saying goodbye to Chie's parents four times. Once at the taxi in Mito, twice at the airport and again at the hotel. It got less dramatic each time. 

On the plane I knew that I would return one day. Not out of loyalty or charity but because it's my job and I live in Iwaki and I left my laptop behind.