Mosquito

It was November and there were mosquitoes invading my apartment every night. Every morning the wife and I would wake up with mosquito bites on our arms and legs and hopefully no malaria. Anyway it was about 6:00pm and we were just about to leave for okonomiyaki and I was lying on the bed and I heard a mosquito flying around. Using my ears I tracked it to a shelf and killed it with a paper CD case. I was glorious because the inside of a bookshelf is a difficult place in which to swat a mosquito, but I did. The mosquito was full of blood.

We ate okonomiyaki at Doh-ton-bori and it was good, as usual. After eating I was waiting at the register behind a man. As the man walked away, a woman emerged from around a corner left and walked straight to the register even though she definitely saw that I was already waiting. I stomped to the register and put my wallet on it and looked back and forth between the waiter and the harpy with a shocked, accusatory face. I was truly appalled at this woman trying to jump ahead of me. Plus, her attempt at the crime made no sense, I was the only other person there and I clearly saw her coming. She backed off and her husband appeared from around the corner and he looked as you would expect, like a pleb. I triumphantly paid for my meal.

Upon returning home I killed another mosquito. It was on the ceiling and I killed it with a rolled up Japanese textbook.

Cycling

This is only the beginning!

Skiing

I almost suffocated to death in the car on the way to the ski resort. I was politely keeping my mouth shut because I have come to understand that in Japan the temperature inside vehicles must be inversely proportional to the weather outside. In summer trains are cold enough to make my legs freeze off and in winter buses so hot that I sweat all over my expensive dry-clean-only sweaters. And on a snowy January morning the driver's car is hot enough to cause death. Also in the car were Chie, the sister and the two kids. It was totally unbelievable to me that no one had said anything for the past hour about how hot the car was, the heating was on full blast at 26 degrees and we were all wearing full winter ski wear; vests, t-shirts, two sweaters and dual-layer waterproof ski suits.

The young son was in the back middle seat (wearing a seatbelt, which is rare) and wanted to watch an USAVICH DVD. It was a series of animated shorts which must surely be the product of hallucinogenic drugs and childhood sexual abuse by rabbits. Imagine Bugs Bunny but produced by suicidal babies. Halfway through I fell asleep or maybe passed out from the heat. In a semi-conscious daze I could hear the music from the DVD playing and eventually woke up to realise the menu screen had been playing on loop - for how long I don't know, because I was having nightmares about drugged-up rabbit babies. Why had no one turned it off? Then the boy child asked me to play the whole thing again... I drifted back to the cocaine bunnies.

Eventually the sister asked to have the heating turned down and I thought seriously about the possibility that her one-year-old daughter may already be dead. The child locks on the windows were disabled and I stuck my head out the window and took the cold air into my mouth as though it was water and that it is actually what it felt like. Out of politeness I tried not to overdo it but soon I began sucking in the air like a puppy suckling on a chilled tete. Then the windows had to be closed again because...?

Then the best moment happened and it's the moment that I've been building to until now. When everyone kept complaining about the heat the driver hovered his fingers over the heating controls and almost pressed TEMP DOWN but receded and almost pressed POWER DOWN but receded. He changed the direction of the air then put the temperature down from 26 to 24 but then back to 25.5 and this went on for maybe a minute and it was beautiful. A beautiful male dance called Convincing a woman that you are listening to her. I admired his art but the car was too hot, towards the end of the journey I was sticking my head out the window more frequently and with less polite restraint. The baby lived.

In my opinion and in fact, the worst thing about skiing is the amount of preparation that has to be done before any enjoyment can take place. The time from stepping out of the car to first sliding down a ski slope must be over forty five minutes. I did some skiing and honestly I can't say that I can ski, it's more that I can balance myself well.

While I may lack technical skill, I make up for it in forward movement and staying out of everyone's way. This is more than can be said for the SnowPosers©. I understand that everyone has to start somewhere and that people have to stop and consult a friend about what the hell they are doing and this includes me but do eight of you need to sit chin-wagging and take up half the width of the slope in your neon pink/blue/lime/orange outfits? I realise that I am stepping into a minefield of skier vs snowboarder politics but these people are not even building up to a big jump or hard run, they are sitting on the beginner slopes that are populated mostly by children and idiots like me. If you're on your arse doing nothing for five minutes then you are posing and your pouting poser face gives you away.

A member of my girlfriend's family told me this true story: An American snowboarder was on TV and he said that in America, wearing fancy gear is a sign that you are an experienced and skilled snowboarder. The cool image has to be earned. So when he came to Japan he was surprised to see that everyone was wearing fancy gear and he thought, "Wow, there sure are a lot of good snowboarders here." But he soon realised that most people were just wearing the outfit and they weren't the real deal.

Perhaps that American went to the same ski resort as me.

Mana Ashida

I needed some pictures of celebrities and characters for something I wanted to do in a class. I had a pretty good selection including Utada Hikaru, Ryo Ishikawa, Otosan the SoftBank dog and Asada Mao. I wanted to use the six year old girl who recently is featured in every Japanese TV commercial, like the "Maru Maru Mori Mori" ad which is the most annoying piece of TV ever. It played during every commercial break of the high school baseball, which I watched on the ferry back from Ogasawara.

I asked an English teacher for the name of the Maru Mori girl and she laughed and like all teachers do in the staffroom, the volume in which she spoke was unnecessarily loud for a private conversation between two people. The vice principal overheard our English conversation and heard the name "Ashida Mana" and laughed and said, "So, James, you're interested in Ashida Mana?" and the English teacher explained that I had seen her TV and I wanted to know her name... and didn't mention that all I wanted was a picture for a class.

Back at my desk I was on my iPhone searching for a picture of Ashida Mana that I could print A4 size for my class. Then the vice principal came to my desk with five pages of information about Ashida Mana that he had just printed off. Five pages of Japanese which he probably knows I can't read. Two female teachers who sit across from me saw the vice principal give me five pages of info and pictures of Ashida Mana and they said "Oh, you like Ashida Mana? She's a cute girl, right?" It would have been easy for me to say that I was looking for something to use in a class but I just sat there and grinned a pervert's grin and said nothing.

Part of my reason for keeping silent was that if someone is denying that they are a certain thing, like a wife beater or sexist or a crook, it's usually because they've already confirmed their guilt through their actions and they have to lie about it because of shame. Like in Jersey Shore when Ronnie shoved Sammi into a wall then said he would never hit a woman, or when David Cameron laughed at a woman for talking then said he isn't sexist.

Uncharted 3 Review

They should've killed Sully. I would have enjoyed this game more if Sully died. His death was teased and built up but Naughty Dog couldn't pull the trigger (lol). Sully living to the end of the game is the perfect symbol for my disappointment with the story. It was a story that was full of ideas and teases for bigger things down the line, but none of it came to fruition. 

We see Nathan and Sully's first meeting where Sully decides to exploit a homeless orphan because he can jump high. And this places Sully at the centre of Nathan's entire life story. And there's a moment during the burning chateau escape where old Sully almost falls and Nathan's all like "SULLY!" and in Syria, Sully questions whether or not this quest is really worth it but Carter wants to continue. Then at the end of that chapter Carter gives up and Sully decides to keep going which don't really make no sense but whatever. And Chloe is standing there asking Nathan why he wants to keep hunting for the treasure, basically saying to him "You are selfish and stupid for leading everyone into this nonsense." And Nathan completely ignores her and drags Sully to Arabia where he will surely die. And then in Arabia Elena holds up a sign to Nathan and the player which says "Sully will die because Nathan has pushed this thing too far." We are repeatedly warned of the consequences of this quest, and Sully becomes the symbol for that.

So Sully is kidnapped and Nathan is stranded at sea and then in the desert. And that's what should happen, Nathan should have to do endure this suffering because HE WAS ASKING FOR IT. Then the cast of Lawrence of Arabia shows up and Sully is rescued and he agrees again to go along with Nathan because he is loyal or something, and Nathan has no remorse for dragging Sully along in the first place and makes no attempt have Sully turn back to prevent his death. Nathan seems completely oblivious to the idea that Sully is too old and will probably die. Despite the fact that the two hot women have all but said these exact words to him.

Then it finally happens. Sully gets gloriously shot in the back and dies in Nathan's arms, and Nathan finally learns his lesson. Like Teri to Jack Bauer or Jason Todd to Batman, the escalation of events has led to fatal consequences. And Nathan was warned over and over again about something like this happening and he repeatedly ignored those warnings. So Nathan gets mad and fights demon men.

Or not. It was all a hallucination. The moment that the entire game was building too happened but was then taken back. I wonder if the writers just lost their nerve and decided to keep Sully alive because they wanted a happy ending, and they needed Sully alive so he could give Nathan and Elena the plane from the first game. So then throughout the finale Sully almost gets killed three more times by drowning or head crushing but there's no more tension because they aren't going to kill him a second time.

The game kept upping the ante and when the ending came it didn't match up the biblically epic buildup that came before. The payoff for the whole story was either demons taking over the desert or Sully dying, or both. And we got neither. I guess Naughty Dog were going for an ending that had more to do with characters and their relationships than action and giant demon boss fights. But delivering the big emotional punch (Sully's death) and then taking it back is a cop-out. Nathan and Elena getting back together was cool, but isn't that what happened in the second game? Didn't she fake die too?

tl;dr Sully should have died to teach Nathan a life lesson. The game's buildup led to nothing. And there was some shooting and some jumping.

Friday Morning

Getting out of the taxi I forget how to use my hands and I take a while to pick up my bag and my folder and my sunglasses, which I quickly put on because the sun hurts my bloodshot eyes. My long shadow is cast in front of me and my arm looks too long and I hope it's just the shadow and not what my arm really looks like to other people. I'm hungover in a dazed and confused and obvious way, I catch my gaunt reflection in the glass door and my hair is way too long now and bits are sticking up but not in a cool fashionable way.

Walking into the staffroom I leave my sunglasses on, maybe limping a little and I feel like Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire - the "I am cloaked in failure" airport scene - and that's what I hope I look like to other people. It's only 8:15 but I start thinking for the second time today about AKB48 and the importance of them always appearing young and innocent.

Sitting down and thinking about AKB48 even more and I've almost figured everything out but Commentary Sensei starts doing his running commentary on everything he is doing and he is mumbling once again about the printer not working and it makes me so furious that I can't think about anything. I just go to the toilet and make myself sick even though it's a peasant toilet and now my hands and knees are covered in sick and other men's faeces.

Softball

Two third grade girls asked me to join their softball team and they bounced and yelped like screaming banshees when I said yes. I went outside and shuffled over to my team where a bat was thrust into my sweaty nervous hands. I took some practice swings in a corner and stretched a little because I didn't want to throw my back out or dislocate my shoulder or blow out my knee in front of everyone. I could sense the high expectations of the students, especially the girls. My heart was pounding and my mind was racing with a thousand memories of sporting disappointment.

I stepped up to the plate and did the Ichiro thing and it didn't get much of a reaction and my lack of natural charisma became apparent to everyone. Someone threw ball at me and I don't know what the parameters are for 'ball' or 'strike' so I just swung and my bat triumphantly struck the ball and I exploded off the plate and ran towards first base, but the previous batter already at first base just stood there shaking his head. At some point someone shouted "Out!" and I started skulking back to the dugout and I thought about throwing away all my underwear and buying new underwear because everything has shrunk. I was too confused and embarrassed to comically play off my failure so I turned my head away from the field to hide my face and someone said "Don't mind" out of pity and I am 25 and they are 15.

It all reminded me of the time we were playing football in high school and the cock of our form looked at me and said, "Just get off, James." And looking back at it, that day was probably the beginning of everything - when anxiety was placed yet unknown somewhere over me and it begin to descend. The two girls that had so enthusiastically asked me to play softball with them now totally ignored me.

Later someone explained to me that when I hit the ball it just pathetically spun behind me and I was caught out by the... wicket keeper? Our team went out to field and I stood on third base. Things started happening and someone threw me the ball and the runner came toward me and I didn't know that you are supposed to touch the guy to get him out so I just stood there in haze of despair and everyone laughed at me. I comically looked around cluelessly like a small child or a dog might do.

No one asked me to bat again. At one point there weren't any fresh batters left and one boy just batted for a second time, rather than call me up. Later, when I'd given up on everything and was just sitting on a wall, another male teacher totally smashed the ball to the other side of the field and I thought about my printer and my floor lamp and the arrangement of the plugs in my flat and how it might be improved.