Today I was on a drip in a clinic for two hours. While an unknown drug seeped straight into my veins I began think about God. Here be that thinking written down.
God will not permit me to be free of His scorn, I'm now convinced that He will continue to smite me should I dare to attempt a life of happiness without acknowledging His presence.
My suspicions began when I was involved in a car crash the day after having a perfect Saturday. On the Saturday I rode to Misaki Park and Nagaso Beach then went and got completely wasted with "the boys". There was something very special about that day and in my small mind I felt happy. God wouldn't have this, the next day He hurtled the car I was in at 60kmh into another car leaving me with one arm for three weeks. However, despite the smite of a vengeful Lord I remained in high spirits, refusing to play the victim in the situation. This surely caused Him to become angry.
It's possible I've also angered Jesus. Firstly I told a Japanese person that "Jesus" is an effective curse word like shit or balls. They've sinced used "Jesus" in this way. Perhaps worse than this, I told some of my students that I am Jesus. For no reason they started saying His name so I proclaimed "watashi wa Jesus desu". "Really?" they said. "Yes" I said. Even though God sent His only son on a suicide mission He probably wasn't happy about this blasphemy. It's unclear when the infection entered my body but it's possible that it happened that moment I said "I am Jesus".
God will not permit me to be free of His scorn, I'm now convinced that He will continue to smite me should I dare to attempt a life of happiness without acknowledging His presence.
My suspicions began when I was involved in a car crash the day after having a perfect Saturday. On the Saturday I rode to Misaki Park and Nagaso Beach then went and got completely wasted with "the boys". There was something very special about that day and in my small mind I felt happy. God wouldn't have this, the next day He hurtled the car I was in at 60kmh into another car leaving me with one arm for three weeks. However, despite the smite of a vengeful Lord I remained in high spirits, refusing to play the victim in the situation. This surely caused Him to become angry.
It's possible I've also angered Jesus. Firstly I told a Japanese person that "Jesus" is an effective curse word like shit or balls. They've sinced used "Jesus" in this way. Perhaps worse than this, I told some of my students that I am Jesus. For no reason they started saying His name so I proclaimed "watashi wa Jesus desu". "Really?" they said. "Yes" I said. Even though God sent His only son on a suicide mission He probably wasn't happy about this blasphemy. It's unclear when the infection entered my body but it's possible that it happened that moment I said "I am Jesus".
Then there another great day by the sea (pictured). After oversleeping till about 2pm on Sunday I found myself in Misaki Park once again, taking photos of the setting Sun. With the car crash now a distant memory and the gonorrhoea subsiding I once again felt a sense of happiness. A happiness that I attained of my own free will, a happiness that didn't just exist in a single moment looking at the sunset but a happiness that encompassed me entirely, like the presence of a loving god I had created.Now the real God was obviously having none of this. How dare I look at the Sun and not have Him once enter my head? Time to smite my ass. I spent all of Monday night vomiting horrendously. The initial vomit was so strong that I think some food came out of my nose, and obviously some of the vomit escaped over the edge of the toilet because it wouldn't wait until I got safely into vomiting position. There were two good food vomits, with bits of half digested chicken and distinguishable pieces of rice in. After that it was orange juice and more rice, I don't remember drinking that much orange juice but my god there was a lot. After that it was standard phlegm and bile, you know when it's looks like big piles of spit. This went on from 11.30 till 6.30 with 45-60 min breaks between each vomit. I put a bowl next to my bed about half way through, conceding that it wouldn't stop. And it didn't. I got up and vomited and then vomited in the shower. I sat in the shower for a bit and I couldn't move, I had vomited up my entire dinner from yesterday and hadn't slept. I almost passed out as the heat from being in the shower so long made it difficult to breathe. I opened the door and let the cold in which felt horrible but it allowed me to breathe properly. After finding the strength to finish off I got out the shower and vomited again. I took a sip of water whilst I was getting dressed but had to go and vomit that out as well.
I called in work to tell them I would be late. Late?! Yes just late. I intended to go school, believing in my small mind that the vomiting would stop. I arrived at school, took a sip of water, and vomited. I left school.
Kusano Clinic. The doctor told me I had Viral Gastral something something. And I was pissed. Not only because I had vomited again in the toilet just before talking to him but because I knew I was going to be on drugs again. A four day course taking two types of drug three times a day after eating, but I can only eat soft rice and drink hot water. However the first order of business was to put me on a drip for two hours. I have absolutely no idea what they were pumping me with for two whole hours but during that time I decided that God exists and He is spiteful and twisted, and bitter that I attempted to claim my life as my own and not be part of His scheme.
I can't deny that I'm incredibly pissed about this latest medical development. Sat in the clinic for what felt like the millionth time a little bit of my spirit was chipped away, God had finally scored some hit points on me. For these next four days or however long this Viral Gastral something something will go on I can't deny that my spirit has been dented.
Just as I began to write this I vomited again into the bowl that's next to my couch, further proof that God exists and that he seeks to threaten and bully me. However I will not give in to Him. I have Heroes, 24: Redemption Top Gear locked and loaded, and one of my teachers brought me soft rice and hot chocolate. I will soldier on and refuse to acknowledge that I'm one of God's children. I'll live by my own will, and if He doesn't like that there is only one option left. Kill me. I will continue to seek joy without God and only striking me down with death will stop me.
