Christ's Cock

Today I was on a drip in a clinic for two hours. While an unknown drug seeped straight into my veins I began think about God. Here be that thinking written down.

God will not permit me to be free of His scorn, I'm now convinced that He will continue to smite me should I dare to attempt a life of happiness without acknowledging His presence.

My suspicions began when I was involved in a car crash the day after having a perfect Saturday. On the Saturday I rode to Misaki Park and Nagaso Beach then went and got completely wasted with "the boys". There was something very special about that day and in my small mind I felt happy. God wouldn't have this, the next day He hurtled the car I was in at 60kmh into another car leaving me with one arm for three weeks. However, despite the smite of a vengeful Lord I remained in high spirits, refusing to play the victim in the situation. This surely caused Him to become angry.

It's possible I've also angered Jesus. Firstly I told a Japanese person that "Jesus" is an effective curse word like shit or balls. They've sinced used "Jesus" in this way. Perhaps worse than this, I told some of my students that I am Jesus. For no reason they started saying His name so I proclaimed "watashi wa Jesus desu". "Really?" they said. "Yes" I said. Even though God sent His only son on a suicide mission He probably wasn't happy about this blasphemy. It's unclear when the infection entered my body but it's possible that it happened that moment I said "I am Jesus".

Then there another great day by the sea (pictured). After oversleeping till about 2pm on Sunday I found myself in Misaki Park once again, taking photos of the setting Sun. With the car crash now a distant memory and the gonorrhoea subsiding I once again felt a sense of happiness. A happiness that I attained of my own free will, a happiness that didn't just exist in a single moment looking at the sunset but a happiness that encompassed me entirely, like the presence of a loving god I had created.

Now the real God was obviously having none of this. How dare I look at the Sun and not have Him once enter my head? Time to smite my ass. I spent all of Monday night vomiting horrendously. The initial vomit was so strong that I think some food came out of my nose, and obviously some of the vomit escaped over the edge of the toilet because it wouldn't wait until I got safely into vomiting position. There were two good food vomits, with bits of half digested chicken and distinguishable pieces of rice in. After that it was orange juice and more rice, I don't remember drinking that much orange juice but my god there was a lot. After that it was standard phlegm and bile, you know when it's looks like big piles of spit. This went on from 11.30 till 6.30 with 45-60 min breaks between each vomit. I put a bowl next to my bed about half way through, conceding that it wouldn't stop. And it didn't. I got up and vomited and then vomited in the shower. I sat in the shower for a bit and I couldn't move, I had vomited up my entire dinner from yesterday and hadn't slept. I almost passed out as the heat from being in the shower so long made it difficult to breathe. I opened the door and let the cold in which felt horrible but it allowed me to breathe properly. After finding the strength to finish off I got out the shower and vomited again. I took a sip of water whilst I was getting dressed but had to go and vomit that out as well.

I called in work to tell them I would be late. Late?! Yes just late. I intended to go school, believing in my small mind that the vomiting would stop. I arrived at school, took a sip of water, and vomited. I left school.

Kusano Clinic. The doctor told me I had Viral Gastral something something. And I was pissed. Not only because I had vomited again in the toilet just before talking to him but because I knew I was going to be on drugs again. A four day course taking two types of drug three times a day after eating, but I can only eat soft rice and drink hot water. However the first order of business was to put me on a drip for two hours. I have absolutely no idea what they were pumping me with for two whole hours but during that time I decided that God exists and He is spiteful and twisted, and bitter that I attempted to claim my life as my own and not be part of His scheme.

I can't deny that I'm incredibly pissed about this latest medical development. Sat in the clinic for what felt like the millionth time a little bit of my spirit was chipped away, God had finally scored some hit points on me. For these next four days or however long this Viral Gastral something something will go on I can't deny that my spirit has been dented.

Just as I began to write this I vomited again into the bowl that's next to my couch, further proof that God exists and that he seeks to threaten and bully me. However I will not give in to Him. I have Heroes, 24: Redemption Top Gear locked and loaded, and one of my teachers brought me soft rice and hot chocolate. I will soldier on and refuse to acknowledge that I'm one of God's children. I'll live by my own will, and if He doesn't like that there is only one option left. Kill me. I will continue to seek joy without God and only striking me down with death will stop me.

Snow White Tan

I had yet another great Saturday on Saturday. Hawaiians Spa Resort was the site of my assault which lasted for over seven hours, and during that time I rampaged the entire place. The smell of chlorine and the humidity slapping me in the face reminded me of childhood water park visits, which were so long ago that I don't actually have any memories of them.

From what I saw I was the only white person in the whole place, a fact made even more obvious by my staggeringly white towering figure. I saw the odd person nudge their friend to point me out and a few children looked at me like there was a 100% chance I would molest them. I'm sure that at first in the pool there was a big space around me, maybe eight feet in all directions. There were large groups of people and kids all over the place (like in the picture) but none of it seemed to come close to me. Although after a while the crowd closed in and things felt normal, we had fun bouncing a beach ball around the pool, hitting children in the face in the process. I deftly headed the ball around as though I possessed some actual football skill and for a moment I felt like a real man, only for a moment though.

The water slides were fun too, there was a nice fast double-seater which has definitely killed someone in the past, it seemed like people were nearly getting tossed out on the corners. Perhaps the reason why they haven't made it safer yet is that they've been paying out shit-loads of money to people suing for broken necks instead.

The content of the this blog will provide absolutely no entertain value whatsoever, but I can't stress enough how good of a day it was. The next move was to the roof, there was a whole different area with lots of big and small jacuzzis that you could lie or sit in and onsen baths and fountains etc etc. By this point the Sun had gone down and the sight of the purple sky, the mountains in silhouette, the architecture surrounding the pools and the lights shining underwater was especially beautiful. After some serious chillin' it was real onsen time. I didn't expect walking around naked with a bunch of old men to be so tranquil. All you could hear was the sound water being pushed around and a few insects. I wondered up some stairs to a door where I heard a man trying really hard to take a crap, maybe he was doing something else but that's what it sounded like. Either way it temporarily broke the mood. I sat down admiring the view once again, not of naked men and boys, but of steam rising from the water and well lit foliage. I looked up at the sky and once again it was beautiful. After another visit to the hot roof jacuzzi orgy we decided enough was enough and after a 7 hour Hawaiians bonanza called it quits.

Only Toddlers on Horses

What a surprise. The blog is left to rot in the wake of me being a busy little bee. I literally forgot this existed until last week, and STILL didn't bother to write anything. Last week I did absolutely no teaching. Nothing. Monday was a day off, Tuesday and Wednesday were wastes of time at a conference, Thursday everything was cancelled and Friday was singing contest day.

The Singing Contest was Serious F*cking Business. The kids had been practising for weeks and weeks and it all sounded amazing. The discipline of the whole thing was exactly what I've come to expect from the insane schooling system in this wonderful nation. Before each class came on stage you could hear them screaming backstage preparing for battle. Levels of intensity and competition ran high all day and at the end I found out the teachers had nothing to do with the training. The students arranged the choir for their two songs and perfected their acts alone. This all happened in scheduled practice time during school hours but the teachers just sat by and said nothing the whole time. During intermissions in the contest, some groups would go outside and practice in the cold, completely of their own free will. I was already impressed by the students commitment to after school activities (which are definitely more important than classes at my school) but now I see them commit fully to something else.

There are cynical words to be said about this. The Japanese system is raising robots who will give themselves fully to their roles in life without a second thought. What seems like an act of free will to go out and practice is actually a result of the system telling them to know their role and carry it out until they actually die. But if it produces kids who can play piano and sing as well as my guys can then I'm happy. Besides the whole thing ended with the "Attraction" segment where everyone went crazy waving their towels over their heads while the third grade boys did a boyband routine. All the teachers singing a song together, including me. I failed it because I only looked at the song an hour before doing it but I could still hear the cries of "kawai" and "kakui" from the 700 strong audience as a mumbled my way through. After that some of the teachers stripped down to skintight nylon jumpsuits and had a play-fight on stage. That's actually what happened.

Sometimes you're left to just observe what's happening. In these moments I feel the need to analyse and interpret, to wonder about how much of what goes on is just on the surface level and how many people want to completely change the system. But I'm quick to realise that this isn't some research assignment, it's not about trying to explain the contradictions or change anything that seems wrong.

One Million Hamburgers

It’s nice to have running gags with students, it crosses the language barrier and makes me more approachable and fun. The running gag I have with my 1st graders is that they pretend to shoot me in the face. It begin with one boy last week, he pretended to shoot me and I reacted as if I’d been shot which was met with thunderous applause and laughter by the students who saw this. Then at the end of a class some time later a group of about ten students shot me all at the same time. I reeled against the wall dramatically, they went absolutely mental. After this I was followed by three boys all shooting me in the face.

Yesterday I was talking to a kendo girl and a boy walked past me and shot me in the face, I reacted and he walked away. Then ten seconds later he returned and shot me in the face multiple times, I ignored him and he seemed to half hug me for a moment as a result of not getting the attention he wanted. I felt like a bad parent. Today the original boy tried to shoot me in the face but I dodged the bullet and shot him in the face. The violence is escalating.

Enkai

I went out tonight for some yakiniku with the 3rd grade teachers from my school. After that some of us went to karaoke to get more pissed. There I sang Bowie, Bowie, and Led Zeppelin. I returned home to find Madeleine McCann still in my internet browser search bar and The Dark Knight soundtrack paused in iTunes. This is living.

Tomorrow I'm going to visit the apartment of the funniest Australian alive and play Metal Gear Solid 4. I've already completed it 6 times but I don't care. Playing it again in Japan will validate my existence.

Inexplicable Broken Foot

This is the Kanji we chose for my name (ジエイムス) this week.

侍栄夢寿

I'm learning kendo so using the samurai kanji is justified! The teachers at my school agreed so I'm going with it.

Samurai-Prosperity-Dream-Congratulations.

As I sit barging on chocolate bars and spilling water from my thermos down myself, I wonder how many of those words are appropriate.

I Won't Force You

The biggest problem I have with supermarkets is that other people use them. A quick trip to buy some microwave meals, milk and coco pops slowly turns into a horrifying physical and mental ordeal.

I zipped round the store picking up my items, delighted to find that the microwave section had been stocked up recently. But disaster struck, I reached the checkout area and saw four giant queues, and realised I needed a shit. I took a chance on the queue with the lowest average age, which in this town is about 50, I felt happy with my decision until I saw that every checkout was manned by useless old women. The slow pace at which they beep... beeped the items through probably matched the slowly dwindling pace of their own dying heartbeat. So much time passed that I forgot I needed a shit.

Then a miracle happened, the oxygen stealers were joined by younger more vibrant employees (40+ years old). I was elated, the speed of the beep...beeping of the items through the checkout increased dramatically, however this elation was quickly put to an end when I remembered I needed a shit. I wondered if the only option available to me might be the self detonation device, last nights yakiniku terd was knocking on Satan's Alley and it wasn't going to be stopped.

The rest is all a blur. I vaguely remember walking away from the checkout, still hearing the sound of the checkouts beeping endlessly, knowing that the suffering of so many people was still going on. One checkout was being operated by two oxygen stealers, which probably ended up being slower than one. I wonder how people in that queue shat themselves?

Go Straight

I've come a long way since shitting myself in the first week. Living in Japan has certainly been a positive experience up to this point, one that has continued to grow into something very special. So much so that it would be impossible to sum up what has happened in these 7 or 8 weeks. It was always my intention to start a blog (like many JETs) in order to keep track of what's going on and have something in writing to reflect on. Time has moved so quickly that I haven't been able to keep track of events or have time to reflect with a blog.

I had another problem with starting a blog - someone has noted that my writing now seems to come from a completely different person that lacks the resentment and bitterness to write hilarious things. I didn't want a vacuous generic blog, the blog must be of some comedy value and not just a bunch of self-gratifying rubbish. Obviously the price of happiness is losing comical bitterness and without that I didn't want to write. As a result this blog may not only be record of events but also an attempt to recover some semblance of comedy. As the first stage of culture shock begins to settle down it's possible that that recovery could happen quite soon, as I begin a rapid descent into madness.