The explanation for why my front bike tire was losing air didn't make sense to me because it was said in Japanese and I didn’t understand it. The Bike Man said he might have fixed it and told me to try it and see what happened. It was still going flat so I had to have both tires replaced completely. I couldn't get them replaced immediately because Bike Man takes Tuesday and Wednesday as his weekend. In all, the whole situation - from the initial suspected puncture to the full tire replacement - dragged on for about two weeks. I used not having a reliable front tire as an excuse not to go to the gym. An excuse for not exercising at home was not provided to me.
With my tire finally repaired I ride to the gym and upon approach I see men inside doing maintenance; the gym is closed. There was a sign about this in the entrance for about a week and I remember ignoring it. It would be too embarrassing to just turn around and ride back so I carry on down the road and turn left toward the bread shop to buy some unnecessary bread to cover for my mistake. The bread shop is also closed and beyond the bread shop is a dual carriage way so I have no choice but to turn around and look foolish.
I ride back past the gym and someone might be watching so I have to act like I’m doing something. Yamada, the electronics shop, is next to the gym so I go there. The smartphones look shiny as always so I look at them and touch them even though I have an iPhone in my pocket. iPad screen protectors are next, again I already own one and don’t need to be looking at them. Although, my current screen protector is a little scratched so instead of just pretending to be shopping I might really buy a new screen protector. Open wallet, it’s empty. There’s maybe 214 yen in it. It would be too embarrassing to just turn around and walk out so I press further into the shop and look at iPods in which I have no interest. Some fat people are taking up too much space.
My performance continues and I remember that I genuinely need a USB extension cable for connecting my external hard drive and Apple MacBook Air across the room. Despite having no money I look around for a USB extension cable and when I can’t find one I ask a shop assistant where the USB extension cables are. He shows me the USB extension cables and I look at the USB extension cables and think about which length would be appropriate even though I don’t have the money to buy a USB extension cable. The shop assistant, whose time I just wasted, has walked away and probably can’t see me anymore so I slowly step away from the USB extension cables and do a facial expression to convey that I’m either reconsidering the purchase or that I can’t find the right length. It’s open to interpretation.
This has gone on long enough now, if someone was watching me they’d be convinced that I knew the gym was closed and my plan all along was to buy some bread and look around Yamada. The bread shop was closed but it didn’t matter because I did a convincing performance at Yamada. I have my backpack with my gym clothes in it but no one knows that but me. Anything could be in it, maybe it’s mostly empty and I was planning to put my shopping in it. Yeah, that’ll work.
Next, I ride back to central Onahama, get money at the ATM and go to Cainz Home, the DIY shop. I realise that Cainz Home is like a toy shop for adults; an adult toy shop. I buy a cork-board, A4 size envelopes and a USB extension cable.
Wednesday 28 March 2012
Monday 26 March 2012
Farewell Ceremony
I’m fifteen minutes late to school wearing a hoodie with track pants but it’s spring vacation, who cares? Men pass by wearing suits and I realise immediately that today is the farewell ceremony for the leaving teachers. I will have to ride home, change clothes then come back in less than twenty minutes. Anxiety descending, anxiety descending.
A procession of Principal, Vice Principal, visiting officials and the nine leaving teachers see me return out of breath and on the verge of tears but now wearing a suit. Taking a different route to the gym I enter through the back door, hide behind the standing students and I think I’m on time therefore I am. MC starts the proceedings then the procession walks in. Students sit down; leaving teachers enter stage right followed by Vice Principal.
The leavers sit down and Vice Principal gives a short speech about each of them, all the speeches are identical apart from the names plus there are no jokes. It’s boring, I want to fantasise about Nikkala Stott but my knees really hurt so I can’t concentrate. Then the teachers themselves give a short farewell speech. Men first, women second. A boy gives nine separate speeches to the nine leavers, and then nine students come on stage to give out nine bouquets. Everyone stands up to sing the school farewell song. It’s repeated nine times for each of the departed, with a personalised verse added. The teachers give new speeches about the verses and the flowers.
All non-leaving teachers sing a song together which combines all the special verses from the previous song but to a different melody. Somehow I’m involved in this playing an extremely large gong. All students sing a short song together then all enter stage right to give every leaving teacher flowers. A third speech is given reacting to what is now about four thousand bouquets. Some girls begin to cry. Time is spent listening to sad music; all the teachers start to cry at least a bit. Vice Principal says that the nine leavers will now give their final farewell performances.
The first plays duelling banjos on one banjo and it’s amazing. The second, third and fourth read poems about concrete. The fifth admits to his vast history of abusing the girl’s softball team then commits seppuku (ritual suicide by disembowelment). More girls begin to cry, one boy passes out. The sixth also commits seppuku but she doesn’t explain why. The seventh gets down on her knees to perform rakugo but someone misunderstands and cuts her head off. Several girls start to vomit while some boys try to stifle laughter or erections. The eighth gets down on her knees, shaking and urinating, but successfully does a short rakugo performance without being killed. The ninth is crying so much it looks like her face is melting. She starts juggling onions, three at first, then four then six. The girls that aren’t trying to cup vomit in their hands cheer her on. Vice Principal gives a speech to each of the nine about their farewell performances, even to those now dead. A woman is doing cocaine in the back corner of the gym. Several students are called upon to give opinions on the performances - many choke on vomit as they speak.
Hysterical laughter breaks out among the boys when someone farts three times in a row, each time with increased volume and duration. MC asks everyone to stand up for the school song. Girls wiping up vomit with tissues and boys snorting sawdust largely ignore him. Teachers scattered around the gym stand with lips quivering, eyes watering, trying not to look at the blood trickling off stage. Vice Principal stands staring straight up at the ceiling, drooling, squeezing a tangerine. Then Principal in a quiet voice - somehow audible over the screams and wailing - calmly orders everyone to sing the song. Everyone sings perfectly but the boys are trembling, desperately trying not to laugh because someone somehow did the triple fart again. MC, nose bleeding, announces the end of the farewell ceremony. The living teachers walk off stage slowly while volunteers carry off the dead. As the students start to leave James slips out the back door, glancing back once at the severed head on stage.
A procession of Principal, Vice Principal, visiting officials and the nine leaving teachers see me return out of breath and on the verge of tears but now wearing a suit. Taking a different route to the gym I enter through the back door, hide behind the standing students and I think I’m on time therefore I am. MC starts the proceedings then the procession walks in. Students sit down; leaving teachers enter stage right followed by Vice Principal.
The leavers sit down and Vice Principal gives a short speech about each of them, all the speeches are identical apart from the names plus there are no jokes. It’s boring, I want to fantasise about Nikkala Stott but my knees really hurt so I can’t concentrate. Then the teachers themselves give a short farewell speech. Men first, women second. A boy gives nine separate speeches to the nine leavers, and then nine students come on stage to give out nine bouquets. Everyone stands up to sing the school farewell song. It’s repeated nine times for each of the departed, with a personalised verse added. The teachers give new speeches about the verses and the flowers.
All non-leaving teachers sing a song together which combines all the special verses from the previous song but to a different melody. Somehow I’m involved in this playing an extremely large gong. All students sing a short song together then all enter stage right to give every leaving teacher flowers. A third speech is given reacting to what is now about four thousand bouquets. Some girls begin to cry. Time is spent listening to sad music; all the teachers start to cry at least a bit. Vice Principal says that the nine leavers will now give their final farewell performances.
The first plays duelling banjos on one banjo and it’s amazing. The second, third and fourth read poems about concrete. The fifth admits to his vast history of abusing the girl’s softball team then commits seppuku (ritual suicide by disembowelment). More girls begin to cry, one boy passes out. The sixth also commits seppuku but she doesn’t explain why. The seventh gets down on her knees to perform rakugo but someone misunderstands and cuts her head off. Several girls start to vomit while some boys try to stifle laughter or erections. The eighth gets down on her knees, shaking and urinating, but successfully does a short rakugo performance without being killed. The ninth is crying so much it looks like her face is melting. She starts juggling onions, three at first, then four then six. The girls that aren’t trying to cup vomit in their hands cheer her on. Vice Principal gives a speech to each of the nine about their farewell performances, even to those now dead. A woman is doing cocaine in the back corner of the gym. Several students are called upon to give opinions on the performances - many choke on vomit as they speak.
Hysterical laughter breaks out among the boys when someone farts three times in a row, each time with increased volume and duration. MC asks everyone to stand up for the school song. Girls wiping up vomit with tissues and boys snorting sawdust largely ignore him. Teachers scattered around the gym stand with lips quivering, eyes watering, trying not to look at the blood trickling off stage. Vice Principal stands staring straight up at the ceiling, drooling, squeezing a tangerine. Then Principal in a quiet voice - somehow audible over the screams and wailing - calmly orders everyone to sing the song. Everyone sings perfectly but the boys are trembling, desperately trying not to laugh because someone somehow did the triple fart again. MC, nose bleeding, announces the end of the farewell ceremony. The living teachers walk off stage slowly while volunteers carry off the dead. As the students start to leave James slips out the back door, glancing back once at the severed head on stage.
Sunday 25 March 2012
Classic School Lunch Soup
The steps to making the soup of school lunch are as follows.
- Write as many kinds of food as you can think of on little pieces of paper. This can include any type of food; vegetables, fruit, meat, maggots etc.
- Fold up the pieces of paper and put them in a hat.
- Randomly select about 5 or 6 pieces of paper from the hat. These are your ingredients.
- Take your ingredients and chop them all into small pieces. Big enough to be identifiable, but small enough to be fed to a baby.
- Place your ingredients in a bowl. Big enough for a baby's head, but small enough to only fill the stomach of a baby.
- Piss in the bowl.
Repeat this process from Monday to Friday and you can make school lunch soup.
- Write as many kinds of food as you can think of on little pieces of paper. This can include any type of food; vegetables, fruit, meat, maggots etc.
- Fold up the pieces of paper and put them in a hat.
- Randomly select about 5 or 6 pieces of paper from the hat. These are your ingredients.
- Take your ingredients and chop them all into small pieces. Big enough to be identifiable, but small enough to be fed to a baby.
- Place your ingredients in a bowl. Big enough for a baby's head, but small enough to only fill the stomach of a baby.
- Piss in the bowl.
Repeat this process from Monday to Friday and you can make school lunch soup.
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