Thursday

Teachers are coming into the staffroom now because fifth period finished. The noise doesn't make me less sleepy.

Filling up my water bottle with radioactive water and drinking it woke me a little but it won't last. Some kid wrote "I'm a peace a pacifist." How do you correct that? Bell just rang for sixth period. I think any chair can be a comfy chair if you feel sleepy enough. I don't know what time is. 

Why are all the windows closed? They aren't closed. Oh god it's hot. I'm half way through the pile of work that I'm marking. Get up to drink something. Maybe take my pants off in the toilet to get some air... Success. 

When I'm marking work I always flash back to that time in religious education when we watched a video about something and we had to write a report about it. I forgot the main character's name so I just wrote "She..." for the entire thing. My teacher wrote "Who is she?" at the bottom of my work and underneath that I wrote "I don't know." I still to this day think that's the funniest thing I ever did in school. I smile just thinking about it. It was also the most rebellious thing I ever did. 

My fourth toe on my right foot is itching and it's probably athletes foot. This chair is too low and I don't know how to adjust it. I still can't write lower case F properly. After 25 years. 

 A horrible noise just stopped. How long has that noise been going on? All day ? Have I tuned into it? I didn't realise it was there. I could have been annoyed at it. Missed opportunity. 

Some teachers know that I can be really good and some teachers haven't really seen me at my best. That's my own fault. I can't wait around for my moment. When you are alphabetising the four Internet bookmarks on your phone, it's time to go home.

Staffroom

Silence and a breeze and I'm sweating after a pretty decent class about numbers. I am 18 years old.

Only three teachers here and none of them can see me through the piles of books and files and lies. Slouch and read Conversations with God which is what I was doing on March 11th. Don't do something in order to make yourself happy. Become happy within then all your actions will be happy. Walk to the toilet and the girl with special educational needs hugs me and tells me she loves me. Splash face with cold water and look in mirror and I look older.

Enter the correct genre for every album in iTunes and too much is 'Folk Rock.' I label both The Verve and Mew 'Indie Rock' which doesn't seem right. And still a breeze and mist on faded mountains and anxiety descending.

Mistakes

We did a word test in which students write the English translation for Japanese words. Ryo was repeating 'Park' over and over again. "Park park park park."

The test began and Ryo wrote nothing for 'Park' and his answer for 'Big' was "Pog" which made the female JTE* break down laughing uncontrollably. Saying nothing, she wrote "Pog" on a piece of paper in front of me and I laughed hysterically too. This was during the silence of a test.

After the test the girl marking Ryo's paper laughed and said "Pig?" and I corrected her, "No, Pog!" This made the girl laugh even more and she showed Ryo's paper to her friends and they all laughed as well and I thought about stopping her but I didn't because it was too funny.

The JTE explained the Pog situation to everyone - Ryo had specifically practiced 'Park' over and over again only to fail to write it and then write "Pog" for 'Big'. Then all 24 students had a good laugh at Ryo and he tried to explain but no one cared.

"Don't be afraid to answer wrongly. It's okay to make mistakes."

*JTE = Japanese Teacher of English

Hay Fever

One of the women came to my desk and showed me my choice of pictures for the yearbook. Option 1 was me sitting slightly at an angle with a goofy smile and slouching and eyeballs bright red from hay fever. Option 2 was me sitting straight on with a goofy smile and not slouching and eyeballs bright red from hay fever. I said both of them and the woman said I looked cool in both. Anxiety descended and I wondered how many others had lied when they called me cool. I chose the picture in which I wasn't slouching because that was the only positive. 

At a flower shop with Chie I was filled with a nameless dread and felt certain that my hay fever would reach fatal levels so I put on my sunglasses hoping they would offer some kind of protection. I brushed an insect off my arm and later a bite mark formed and I wished I'd killed the insect. The roof of my mouth was itchy and I scratched it and surprisingly that helped but sticking my hand in my mouth didn't look good so I didn't do it again. I massaged the roof of my mouth with my tongue instead but this maybe made things worse and 'Flower Shop' was added to my list of places to which I will never go again.