I’m fifteen minutes late to school wearing a hoodie with track pants but it’s spring vacation, who cares? Men pass by wearing suits and I realise immediately that today is the farewell ceremony for the leaving teachers. I will have to ride home, change clothes then come back in less than twenty minutes. Anxiety descending, anxiety descending.
A procession of Principal, Vice Principal, visiting officials and the nine leaving teachers see me return out of breath and on the verge of tears but now wearing a suit. Taking a different route to the gym I enter through the back door, hide behind the standing students and I think I’m on time therefore I am. MC starts the proceedings then the procession walks in. Students sit down; leaving teachers enter stage right followed by Vice Principal.
The leavers sit down and Vice Principal gives a short speech about each of them, all the speeches are identical apart from the names plus there are no jokes. It’s boring, I want to fantasise about Nikkala Stott but my knees really hurt so I can’t concentrate. Then the teachers themselves give a short farewell speech. Men first, women second. A boy gives nine separate speeches to the nine leavers, and then nine students come on stage to give out nine bouquets. Everyone stands up to sing the school farewell song. It’s repeated nine times for each of the departed, with a personalised verse added. The teachers give new speeches about the verses and the flowers.
All non-leaving teachers sing a song together which combines all the special verses from the previous song but to a different melody. Somehow I’m involved in this playing an extremely large gong. All students sing a short song together then all enter stage right to give every leaving teacher flowers. A third speech is given reacting to what is now about four thousand bouquets. Some girls begin to cry. Time is spent listening to sad music; all the teachers start to cry at least a bit. Vice Principal says that the nine leavers will now give their final farewell performances.
The first plays duelling banjos on one banjo and it’s amazing. The second, third and fourth read poems about concrete. The fifth admits to his vast history of abusing the girl’s softball team then commits seppuku (ritual suicide by disembowelment). More girls begin to cry, one boy passes out. The sixth also commits seppuku but she doesn’t explain why. The seventh gets down on her knees to perform rakugo but someone misunderstands and cuts her head off. Several girls start to vomit while some boys try to stifle laughter or erections. The eighth gets down on her knees, shaking and urinating, but successfully does a short rakugo performance without being killed. The ninth is crying so much it looks like her face is melting. She starts juggling onions, three at first, then four then six. The girls that aren’t trying to cup vomit in their hands cheer her on. Vice Principal gives a speech to each of the nine about their farewell performances, even to those now dead. A woman is doing cocaine in the back corner of the gym. Several students are called upon to give opinions on the performances - many choke on vomit as they speak.
Hysterical laughter breaks out among the boys when someone farts three times in a row, each time with increased volume and duration. MC asks everyone to stand up for the school song. Girls wiping up vomit with tissues and boys snorting sawdust largely ignore him. Teachers scattered around the gym stand with lips quivering, eyes watering, trying not to look at the blood trickling off stage. Vice Principal stands staring straight up at the ceiling, drooling, squeezing a tangerine. Then Principal in a quiet voice - somehow audible over the screams and wailing - calmly orders everyone to sing the song. Everyone sings perfectly but the boys are trembling, desperately trying not to laugh because someone somehow did the triple fart again. MC, nose bleeding, announces the end of the farewell ceremony. The living teachers walk off stage slowly while volunteers carry off the dead. As the students start to leave James slips out the back door, glancing back once at the severed head on stage.
A procession of Principal, Vice Principal, visiting officials and the nine leaving teachers see me return out of breath and on the verge of tears but now wearing a suit. Taking a different route to the gym I enter through the back door, hide behind the standing students and I think I’m on time therefore I am. MC starts the proceedings then the procession walks in. Students sit down; leaving teachers enter stage right followed by Vice Principal.
The leavers sit down and Vice Principal gives a short speech about each of them, all the speeches are identical apart from the names plus there are no jokes. It’s boring, I want to fantasise about Nikkala Stott but my knees really hurt so I can’t concentrate. Then the teachers themselves give a short farewell speech. Men first, women second. A boy gives nine separate speeches to the nine leavers, and then nine students come on stage to give out nine bouquets. Everyone stands up to sing the school farewell song. It’s repeated nine times for each of the departed, with a personalised verse added. The teachers give new speeches about the verses and the flowers.
All non-leaving teachers sing a song together which combines all the special verses from the previous song but to a different melody. Somehow I’m involved in this playing an extremely large gong. All students sing a short song together then all enter stage right to give every leaving teacher flowers. A third speech is given reacting to what is now about four thousand bouquets. Some girls begin to cry. Time is spent listening to sad music; all the teachers start to cry at least a bit. Vice Principal says that the nine leavers will now give their final farewell performances.
The first plays duelling banjos on one banjo and it’s amazing. The second, third and fourth read poems about concrete. The fifth admits to his vast history of abusing the girl’s softball team then commits seppuku (ritual suicide by disembowelment). More girls begin to cry, one boy passes out. The sixth also commits seppuku but she doesn’t explain why. The seventh gets down on her knees to perform rakugo but someone misunderstands and cuts her head off. Several girls start to vomit while some boys try to stifle laughter or erections. The eighth gets down on her knees, shaking and urinating, but successfully does a short rakugo performance without being killed. The ninth is crying so much it looks like her face is melting. She starts juggling onions, three at first, then four then six. The girls that aren’t trying to cup vomit in their hands cheer her on. Vice Principal gives a speech to each of the nine about their farewell performances, even to those now dead. A woman is doing cocaine in the back corner of the gym. Several students are called upon to give opinions on the performances - many choke on vomit as they speak.
Hysterical laughter breaks out among the boys when someone farts three times in a row, each time with increased volume and duration. MC asks everyone to stand up for the school song. Girls wiping up vomit with tissues and boys snorting sawdust largely ignore him. Teachers scattered around the gym stand with lips quivering, eyes watering, trying not to look at the blood trickling off stage. Vice Principal stands staring straight up at the ceiling, drooling, squeezing a tangerine. Then Principal in a quiet voice - somehow audible over the screams and wailing - calmly orders everyone to sing the song. Everyone sings perfectly but the boys are trembling, desperately trying not to laugh because someone somehow did the triple fart again. MC, nose bleeding, announces the end of the farewell ceremony. The living teachers walk off stage slowly while volunteers carry off the dead. As the students start to leave James slips out the back door, glancing back once at the severed head on stage.
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